Men and Vulnerability; being a man, truly.

 

Hello! Hello! It's been quite a while. I had to take a break after my wedding. I am back now and you will get reads often enough. 

Now, today's read was a request by a close friend who's very passionate about men's vulnerability. She is working on something to tell men that it is okay to be vulnerable. She wanted me to share my experience, story and insight. I hope this helps a man somewhere.

Let's get into it.

If God created man from the soil and He did, He must have created the African man from the best of hard clay. He created him “strong and tough enough.” The unfortunate part about this kind of clay is, as it hardens, it cracks. The more it hardens, the bigger the cracks become. The best version of this kind of clay is when it is watered. It even becomes sticky – holds closer and tighter. Oh, how foreign this is for us men.

Let us talk about men and vulnerability. Seriously, I am already feeling vulnerable putting men and vulnerability in the same sentence😂😂. Us, we can even die carrying loads and loads of stuff we cannot handle alone. We will not talk about it. No. Tell it to even our fellow men? No way. Because we are men. Black men. Na mwanaume ni kujikaza aisee!💪💪

Alright, let us get it on with me first. I am giryama and giryama men have no choice but to be strong. Let me divert just a little bit. Recently, my wife and I hosted one of our pastors and his wife and he was telling us about cultural issues we should get ready to handle as a newlywed couple – it’s already been four months by the way. Now, he narrated a story of when he was being circumcised and how he would not be allowed to cry despite the excruciating pain his nerves had to endure. Because crying is not manly. A man should just swallow the pain, carry it until it consumes him or worse kills himself or dies. That’s the story of men, sadly😒😒.

My apologies for diverting! Let’s get back to the giryama man. First of all, growing up, I didn’t know there is something like sharing or talking about issues. I knew one thing - deal with my own stuff (I am sorry, I cannot use the word shit!) Being born as a fourth born that followed three ladies and with an absent father; where would I know that men can talk about the issues they are facing? My sisters wouldn’t, and me? But I learned so fast that strength is the option I had. Only thing I could show even when I didn’t have it. You must be strong and courageous – incredible virtues they are. “Look Andrew, vulnerability is a weakness,” that is what everything around me whispered – sometimes, screamed even. And the definition of strength couldn’t have vulnerability anywhere close. So like the perfect creation I am, the more I took in things, the more the loads, the more the burdens, the harder and stronger I became. The only thing I did not realize is, this strength was cracking me from the inside. The cracks grew bigger and I was crumbling down😞😞.

And just to prove that everyone expected me to be strong like every man is expected; as early as high school, I was "the man of the house." My sisters and mum looked up to me so much that they would run to me with their issues, especially about dad. The strength of a giryama man that was cracking inside. All this while, who do I talk to that would realize I was gonna break down soon and not see me as being weak and stupid? Worse, not man enough? Poor me!!😒

Let’s fast forward. But before we do; several nights and days too, I would hide and sob under my pillow. Okay, we didn’t have pillows, just some folded piece of cloth. I started learning vulnerability in campus when I learned the most amazing thing about God – that He is interested in every bit of my life, including the hurts and burdens. I learned that the soil I was created with was not necessarily that black clay. It was just soil. God started teaching me that I can for first, let things out to Him and cry in His presence and that was okay. He is not gonna judge me for tearing before Him.😄😄

Then I met incredible men and women who changed the way I saw manhood. Men especially that we were growing together, that loved me enough to not judge me. That’s another strange thing for men – being loved by another man without what you are thinking right now😂😂. Yes, that. And who is God? Man Enough program came and saved me even more. Taught me, that a man can be vulnerable. That vulnerability is in fact a strength and not a weakness. It gave me a band of men, a brotherhood that was a safe space for me to let out stuff and no one will judge me. I could cry in front of them and they wouldn’t see me any less of a man. Sometimes we even cried together. Stanley.

And then I realized how sweet vulnerability is. How stronger, truly stronger I am and can be because I am vulnerable.  It wasn’t just around men. I had female friends that loved me and I trusted them enough to cry in front of them. Cry with them. I have a band of five brothers that have become family. That I can tell anything, and they would not judge me. They wouldn’t think I am weak or stupid or any less of a man. I remember one of my men did something really stupid some time back and he knew he wouldn't handle it alone. The man ran to my house to tell me about the mess and cry😂😂😂. I listened, shed drops as well and prayed with him. He left stronger and better. This is the freedom that vulnerable men enjoy. It’s strength so strong. 

I have a wife now, an incredible woman who I can pour out things to (That’s how we call it) and she would never see me as weak. She believes I am strong because I am vulnerable. Man, you need women like my wife in your life. And men like Stan, Lister, Reuben, Brian and Malcolm. Man, you need to learn that it is okay to be vulnerable.

I wouldn’t finish this post without mentioning this – in a society that sees weakness in men’s vulnerability, we need safe spaces for men. Spaces they can share without being afraid that they will be judged and demeaned for whatever reason. Spaces to cry and let out loads and burdens that weigh on the heart and not the shoulder. Then, we will see fewer men dying from depression or killing themselves because “strength” was too hard to carry than life.

Man, hear me, it is perfectly alright to be vulnerable.