I honestly struggled to get here and start typing. What is this dopamine that comes with scrolling? Is it the right or left brain whatever that produces it? I need to meet it and rebuke it in the name of Jesus! Weuh! Stealer of time! Crusher of writing dreams! Postponer of sleep. Shindwe kabisa (should be defeated completely)...
Well, you know I had to mention why I got late to write. Scrolling! Puh!
Today was pretty interesting. I was reminded of a few years back when I was angry at an absent and passive father. Contexts can be long so I won't give it. My colleagues and I discussed something very interesting over lunch. It started with my colleague revealing that she was writing a paper on the effects of parenting styles on teens. I jumped to ask her to include youth and adults. Well, we all know how the parenting we received messed some of us up - big time.
I thought I had gone through hell. I think hers was a hell of 7 times more than the fire Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego were put through. It humbled me. She's a firstborn. Both her parents were working so they did not have time. She would wake up when they had left and they would come back when she's asleep. The only time they would meet was when they were all traveling to the village. Imagine that for a second.
Fast forward to when she was in campus and the parents didn't give a "river" (damn). Her father didn't care whether her fees were paid or what she ate. He was busy preparing for her graduation. (I am laughing but this isn't funny) He was waiting to brag that his daughter went to nursing school. That preparation did not involve calling the daughter to check on her, helping her with upkeep and fees, or dressing her. I didn't imagine waiting is so much work! Huh!
We shared our stories and realized one consistent thing. Our fathers failed. Our mothers tried but that job required a father. A father is such an important figure in a kid's life. A present and active father is a gift. This gift was denied to most of my generation. Please stop asking how old I am. Will you get me a present for my birthday next month? If not, why do you wanna know my age? Aaaaaah, I know you're asking so you could know what generation I am talking about. I know. I know. It just feels good to blow things out of proportion, just a bit.
I realized Something as I talked about my father. I wasn't as angry as I used to be. I didn't have to hold back tears for the man I am - vulnerable I am. Whatever you think isn't my business. (Long laughter)...you have to give it to me, I am funny and know how to read your mind. Yes, you. Kidding. Not being so angry anymore is a beautiful feeling. And in case you're asking what changed, I think I realized why he did what he did. Not that it was right, no, but I realized how human my father is. I definitely would have done it differently. Understanding the why humbles you. More than that, it should help you to do better. Men of my time, we need to do better.
What is better? Build a relationship with your child. It can be costly and sacrificial but it is worth it. They need it more than they will ever need that money. It's not enough to have food on the table, pay school fees, buy clothes during Christmas (someone tell my parents that I miss that)...more than that build a relationship with your children. They will appreciate it more. They will become better human beings. Vulnerable. Strong. Courageous. They will believe in the things they will see. Marriage. Relationships. Godliness. They ought to learn all of that from their parents, not the streets and strangers like it was for my colleague and many people out here.
So what happened after understanding the why? I learned that I cannot go back to the past and change anything. I am a complete adult human now. All that I went through is possibly why I am the person I am. I don't think God placed me in that family or had me born to that father for no reason. He had it all laid out in His grander plan. He's God. As unfair as that sounds, I came to learn that God isn't in the business of being fair - that's why the world doesn't understand Him and is rejecting Him. God is just. And just is far more valuable than fair. It wasn't fair. But justly to make me the man I am today. He had to be just, just would have made me such a brat. I know myself and I tell you, if the circumstances were different, you would not be able to deal with an entitled Andrew.
I also learned that I cannot procure another father. That man, Safari, is my father and I have got to honor him regardless of how he acted in the past or will act now. Life is too short to hold on to the past. Who will live today? So, I slowly started building a relationship with my father. I started being curious about his past and how he grew up. I have yet to go through a quarter of what he went through. When I began to get interested in him, he started warming up and that's how we started building again. Will someone tell Obrein Telly that he was right? I am grateful we had that talk at Silver Palm in 2019. We are still far from there but come on, let us enjoy a few minutes of conversation with my dad. We would never talk for more than a few seconds. So, let me celebrate this small small win.
The biggest thing I learned is, we all don't have much time on earth. He probably has a shorter time and when he leaves, whether I loved him or not, when I was angry or not, whether he was the greatest father or not, I will feel the pain and void. When it comes, I want to have great memories I can hold on to. So, as long as he is alive, he is my father and I will honor him for that.
I would tell you about my business coachee and our father's discussion. I have got to sleep though, next time? No promises. In the meantime, can someone tell my parents that we would have loved to be treated like they do their grandkids? Tell them I am not even jealous. Lakini, tutafanyaje? (Closing laughter) ...because this world, no balance!
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